I Want To Be Like Cinderella!!!!!

Psalm 34:19
King James Bible- Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.
New Living Translation- The righteous person faces many troubles, but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.

Hey guys♥!
So one thing about me that  many of you probably do not know is that I absolutely love to read! So much so, when I am desperate for a book and have no physical books, I search the internet for free e-books and sometimes I pick the lamestttt books and they end up being totally awesome!!! So there was this one day, I was terribly desperate for a good book, and I kept searching the net, over and over, even found this site WATTPAD, where amateur writers post their books- so I checked there, and nothinggg!!! Just a whole bunch of creepy fan fictions about Harry Styles and Zayn Malik from One Direction :S (btw despite this I have found awesome books on this site!) Eventually, I settled on a book re telling the story of Cinderella- yeah, I know :S TOTALLY LAME! But I was extremely desperate for a read! And I had just watched the movie Ever After! My favorite story of Cinderella!

So I started reading this different spin, but mostly same story of Cinderella, one of the differences was that the Prince somehow managed to ride pass her home and spot her and he seemingly knew her in their childhood (Remember, her father was a rich man and had status). So I reached the part where Cinderella’s step-mother and sisters were treating her horribly- told her she could not have gone to the Ball, ripped her dress, gave her a whole long never ending list of chores, and ill spoke her late mother. I sat on my bed reading and I literally shouted out- “UGHHH! WHY DIDN’T SHE JUST LEAVE THEM AND RUN AWAY!!!” I mean it was possible- she could’ve stolen some stuff from the house, stolen a horse, find some other city to go too, get a little shack, start a garden and sell in the market or something. I was literally annoyed with the story of Cinderella. There were soooo many options for her rather than her dealing with and enduring all this cruelty and craziness!

As soon as I started thinking of all this- I instantly thought- “ Well, if Cinderella left, she would not have been invited to the ball, nor had the opportunity to go to the Ball, get her prince and receive her salvation!” In no way am I saying that her Prince was her salvation or am I saying that she should have stayed for the Prince, but the principle behind it- let’s think about this!

If Cinderella had not stayed and endured the harshness, craziness, and cruelty of her step mother and step sisters, and SUBMITTED and humbled herself and “gone through”, then she would not have had the opportunity to be saved!

So of course I am definitely going to bring this back to my relationship with God 😀 Sometimes as Christians we are so caught up with looking for an escape from our problems and what we are going through or “binding the devil”, that we miss what we have to learn in that particular season or storm or trial! James 1:2 says Rejoice when trials come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy! Because we don’t see what is at the end of all that is happening, we want to just run away and not endure. We do not submit to God and realize that He will work out everything for our good and we miss what we were supposed to get out of the trial or storm and we don’t accept what is happening and miss an opportunity to receive or think that the trial is a test to see if we can handle our next level with God or a promotion etc.  Maybe Cinderella needed to learn to submit and be a servant before she could have led, maybe the things she learnt helped her to be the best leader that kingdom ever had because she taught her Prince these same qualities!
Trust that whatever you are going through is a process and you are going to learn from it! Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God will deliver us.

With that I leave saying that I Want To Be Cinderella, where I have her attitude in my struggles and storms and whatever is my “affliction” – because I know God will deliver me and He works out everything for my good and I learn what I need to, to grow more in Christ!

Do you want to be like Cinderella? –Yes I’m talking to the guys also hehe 😛

P.S.- This blog entry is definitely not about getting a Prince or having a fairy God-mother -_- LOL

I love you♥
Twinkleliljoh♥

Prince/Princess OR The Pauper?

The sun blazes and burns her skin with each minute that passes, she looks up to the sun pleading with its unbearable force to stop pursuing her with each move she makes and her old, torn, dirty clothes definitely does not provide protection. Each passerby looks at her wondering what she is doing here with a noticeable scorn on their face. Some shove her, some kick dust in her face, some throw stones at her while laughing. She entreats into her corner which really isn’t an escape since everyone can still see her.

She has been kidnapped and assaulted too many times to count, and it seems as if no one cares. Her back aches from the slashes she endured from her previous attacker so she leans against the gate to ease the pain. As if it were some sick and cruel joke, each time she is assaulted, her attackers would bring her back to this same place. THE GATE. The golden majestic gate. What was beyond the gate was a place which she once knew, vaguely, but a place she once knew of outside her dreams.  All she was familiar with now was anger, she was irrevocably angry. Angry with the people passing by, angry with herself, angry with her attackers, angry at the gate, angry at the separation the gate brought. A separation she doesn’t quite understand because the gate was wide open, with no one guarding it. Even with her questioning the ridiculousness of the separation she still will never get up to see what was inside the gate.

I think one thing that will always be a part of a Christian’s life is knowing who they are and knowing their identity in Christ. Knowing who you are in Christ to me prevents so many things and solves so many things in our Christian life, whether it is dealing with hurt, dealing with rejection, going through “a storm” or “valley” , dealing with difficult people, loving people, being patient, feelings of condemnation, falling and getting back up, fighting a spiritual battle- whatever it may be- knowing who you are in Christ is one of our effective weapons (if I may call it that).

Living in a false identity is living like the girl in the story above. She lives in a false identity. Clearly we notice that there is a separation between those inside the gate and the girl.(Romans 8:39) From the small description of the gate we can presume that inside the gate is a kingdom and palace. Although the gate is wide open and no one is guarding it, the girl chooses to stay where she is, this baffles me :S Another thing that is totally weird is that her attackers see her there all the time, assault her and brings her back to the same place and she still would not get up :S Sounds totally ridiculous right?

Actually that girl was me, hmm, that girl, more specifically is all of us at some point in time in our lives or even right now (Ofc I used a girl because I am a girl lol, but this obviously applies to guys as well!)! We all lived/live in a false identity. We are/were literally like her in the sense that- we are a part of God’s kingdom and family, living with Him in His palace. And He has given us ALL the power and authority to rule and reign with Him. We have the best robes, riches, money, wealth, beautiful and nicest things we can imagine(Ephesians 1:3) BUT we decide to sit at the gate of the kingdom in old,nasty clothes- with people passing us by laughing at us because they know who we are and we literally give our Father’s/God’s enemies license to attack us all because they know who we are, but WE DON’T KNOW WHO WE ARE!! Don’t you understand how important you are? Don’t you know who you are? How full of worth you are but we do not accept it. We decide to live in a false identity of a beggar and  of an orphan!(Galatians 3:26) The Angels are in awe of us because we get to have this intimate relationship with God that they could NEVER have! We have authority to tell the enemy that he has NO place in our lives! We are righteous in Christ and that is who we are- even if we sin and fall a million times- being A sinner is not our identity any more- we are no longer old- it has passed away- we are NEW!(2 Corinthians 5:17) We are RIGHTEOUS! We are BEAUTIFUL! We are VICTORIOUS!

So as you have accepted your true identity- accept God’s truth- let His truth eradicate every lie the enemy has placed in your mind! Put on your robes! Your jewels, your crown! Take your scepter because you are seated in heavenly places!(Ephesians 2:6) Take your rightful place– because only there can you affect and change things around you, only from there can things happen, only from there people will notice and understand you are ROYALTY and they will treat you as such whether they want to or not {blessed and highly favoured tho 😉 }. Your enemies would not be able to kick dirt in your face or assault you and you not able to anything about it- but you will be able to trample upon your enemies!

I think I will always be excited about my identity and knowing who I am in Christ so excuse my excited-ness hehe. I truly hope you are excited about this as I am because this beautiful truth has changed my life-I do not fear,I am not intimidated by man or anything, I do not condemn myself, I win every battle, I can be still and know He is God in my life 😉 Let God’s truth –through His amazing Word show you every lie the devil has planted in your mind, in your heart and let the Holy Spirit replace those lies with God’s word. Of course this is a work in progress, even in my life, let God speak life into your life! Let Him speak His truth into your heart 😉

So who are you? A PRINCESS/PRINCE OR A PAUPER?

I love you guys 🙂

TwinklelilJoh♥♥♥

I Love Miley Cyrus!! Or Do I? :S

So before I go into this week’s entry, I just want to say thank you to all those who have been supporting and encouraging me, reading my stuff and even to those who haven’t said anything but are reading, thank you! Now back to this post 🙂

Hehe, so with just the title of this post, most of you are already thinking that it is a complete joke, saying “Johanna is not serious for dedicating a whole post to Miley Cyrus!” Well, it is somewhat true, this post is dedicated to Miley Cyrus and all the Miley Cyrus’ out there.

So people often wonder why I love Miley Cyrus, especially with the recent events of her behavior and her new image, I question myself as to why I do as well. Of course I definitely do not agree with most things she is doing right now, and what she is supporting, although I do have to admit that I totally love the whole rapping Miley thing because I pretend I know how to rap :S And I love her rebelling against the norm of society, which I know is the wrong and bad type of rebellion. I think I love her because I literally grew up with her, I know har har! It’s so sappy and lame, but most of my teenage years, if not all, was spent listening to Miley and liking her (for the record, I was never obsessed nor was she my role model). From the time Hannah Montana came out in 2004/2005 I was 12 turning 13, and she was one of  my favorite persons.

Most likely it was because I respected her “assumed” relationship she had with her father and her family and how she was trying to find herself in the sea of the madness around her and her music and songs were and are AMAZING!, I mean, have you heard “Nobody’s Perfect” or “Make Some Noise” and most recently “I Adore You” and “Wrecking Ball”?- (I had to hunt down a decent and normal picture of Miley by the way :S, this saddens me)

So that’s bascially why I love Miley, essentially, but this post isn’t entirely about Miley. I wrote this post because of my friend, who told me some weeks ago and what she said got me thinking. She  loves Miley as well, and doesn’t agree with her lifestyle now, so she told me “Johanna, do not forget to pray for Miley eh, we have to pray for her, she has to get saved, I’m praying for her!” she was so enthusiastic about Miley getting saved I was shocked and I just laughed. I literally thought to myself, “Oh please, Miley? Saved? How hilarious!” So each time we had a conversation, she would remind me to pray for Miley, and each time I would scoff and laugh.

Then, one day what set off my thinking in this direction was a quote from Scandal by Papa Pope (Haayyy Scandal Fanss). He said : “Everyone is worth saving, the good, the bad, the monster” and I was like :O Yes! that’s exactly how God thinks! He thinks that everyone is worth saving through His son, Jesus! -He said that He doesn’t want anyone to perish but all to come to eternal life.

Then, my amazing father, one day, while talking, told me “Johanna, once there is life, there is hope!” and He went on to explain that anyone can get saved. So I began thinking, who am I to say that Miley Cyrus cannot get saved? Who am I to say all the Miley Cyrus’ of the world cannot be saved? Who am I to say a murderer cannot get saved? It’s like me telling God, His Holy Spirit is not powerful enough to capture and convict anyone!

Another thing that totally blew my mind was the fact that I “said” I loved Miley Cyrus. Love, to God and Love as it should mean is I have your best interest at heart. If I said I loved Miley, or, let’s forget about Miley for now; if I said I loved my unsaved friend or family member, wouldn’t I want the best for them? I’m sorry but if you do not think accepting Jesus and living for Him is the BEST THING EVER, then I don’t know :S I’ll keep praying for you! If I say I love my unsaved family members and friend, I would not want them to go to hell, I would want them to experience God and His love, and His mercy and grace! I would want them to be saved. That is having their best interest at heart. If this is so, I should be praying tirelessly for them to be saved! Then I can actually say and mean I love them!

I’m guilty of not loving my friends and family members and not believing that ANYONE can be saved. But from this moment on, I choose to love 🙂 I choose to believe 🙂 I choose to love my unsaved family members and friends and I CHOOSE TO LOVE DESTINY HOPE “MILEY” RAY CYRUS (haha I just had to add that in there). I will have the best interest at heart for all these people.

Will you join me in choosing to love?

2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Thank You for reading guys 🙂 Hope this made you think and you were blessed, I love you 🙂

TwinklelilJoh ♥

 

Is institutional Christianity the Stockholm Syndrome?

I appreciate this! I appreciate the questioning and the rawness, because I understand and was questioning as well! 😀

Take a read oh ye seekers of truth LOL ♥

Jim Palmer

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them. Has institutional Christianity become this?

“Faced by someone promising to do them harm if they didn’t do as they say, most people would at least regard such a person as the enemy. Institutional Christianity, however, embraces this “person” as God. They praise and adore him, and even worship this God who has promised them eternal suffering if they don’t do as he says. They bow their heads in thanks, praising him for giving them a way out of the trap he has set for them.

Some expressions of religion bring Stockholm Syndrome to mind.

In the case of religion, God is the one in control of all things good or bad, including all human beings that he created. God is presented as perfect, righteous…

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I wish you could see yourself though my eyes.

♥ Whoaa!

Jim Palmer

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. If you could, you would see just how beautiful you are, and the extraordinary miracle of being you. If you could climb inside of me right now and feel what I feel for and about you, you would know you are accepted and loved… all of you… just the way you are, and you would never again doubt your worth or your place in this world. Don’t confuse the word “acceptance” with “tolerance.” It’s not that you are a tolerable you. You are that priceless piece of art, that song that brings tears to your eyes, that sunset that moves you, takes your breath away and satisfies every molecule of your being. I don’t “tolerate” you, I dance and celebrate you! I wish right now you could sink down into and bask in the warmth of knowing all that you are.

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Initium Novum (New Beginnings♥)

HEY GUYS ♥ So keeping to my promise, I’m updating as I said in my last post! the time between the entries are actually a few hours, I was just too excited to post this entry, just because this was The Start Of Something New (Haayyyy High School Musical reference, lol) . Anyways, so I’m praying this post isn’t long because I don’t want to split this post into two entries, if it is long,  please bear with me! :S

So this is fast forwarding to some days or weeks after my deadline, I did not know exactly how to start anything, I just told God, that I did not want to do anything in my own strength and that I needed His help, and I literally left it like that. At times, well, let me correct myself, most times I felt hopeless, and so confused, because it was as if I forgot how to talk to God and how to have my quiet time. I literally did not know what to do or how to do it, I felt as if I was starting over Christianity again. I was actually grateful for that because it meant that I did not slip into religion and being religious to try to start back my relationship with God 🙂 So nothing was happening, literally, I still was not hearing God’s voice, I did not get a word or anything of the sort from anyone. It was as if God was completely silent, so I just told myself and God,” Alritey, God knows what He is doing, and I definitely know He heard me, so I not beating up.”

And I did just that. Soon enough over the course of some days and weeks, I had my first encounters with God 🙂 They were not some huge, spectacular thing. but it showed me that God was listening to me and we, (God and I) were in fact doing this thing slowly. The first encounter was was in my family devotions, I can’t even remember exactly what was the topic, but I do remember challenging my father asking, the question that haunted me, If people are Christians and are supposedly relying on God etc, why don’t you see fruits :S Being the amazing father that He is, he told me to turn to a scripture in the Bible, which instantly annoyed me, I was asking Him for an answer, not a scripture!!!! So because I had to be obedient, I turned to 2 Peter 3-8 :

3–4  Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.

5–9  So don’t lose a minute in building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

10–11  So, friends, confirm God’s invitation to you, his choice of you. Don’t put it off; do it now. Do this, and you’ll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Well after reading this, I literally lost track of time, I felt the world go on pause, My heart stopped beating for a second, and I experienced every other amazing expression about being shocked within those few seconds. I didn’t hear anything daddy was saying after this, I just too stunned. THIS IS THE EXACT ANSWER I NEEDED AND WANTED, even if I did not need or want it, it was THE ANSWER. And of course it was in the Word all this time! This was what I needed to do to bare fruit, this was what I needed to be faithful to God and have a firm footing in Christ. I was so excited that I needed family devotions to be over so I could have checked different translations and read them over and over and over, and I was also checking different scriptures like John 15. Mind you I’ve read this chapter a million times, but the Word literally became alive! I finally had an appreciation for God’s word, (which I didn’t before, I was reading it because of religion and duty) It was so beautiful 😀

Another thing that happened was -I was walking in UWI one day, after an early morning class, which I NEVER go, because I see no point to the lecture. Anyways, yeah, and I had nothing to do after so I was going to follow my friends to probably chill or go for a phone card, I chose the latter. Walking towards Digicel, I passed by the food court and I saw some friends from I.V.C.F. and they where with some foreign people and of course I got excited! (anyone who knows me, knows that I love foreign people) so I hung around asking what they were doing and I got attached to them pretty fast, they were going to evangelize around campus and I was scared! I was thinking” OMGash! I’m now trying to get my bearings and catch myself, how could I get myself involved in this!” In the end, it was an amazing experience and I made new friends. the foreigners, a group of students from the I.V.C.F. from the University of Delaware was going to take a tour of Trinidad after evangelizing, so I decided to go with them. On the bus is what I believe contributed a lot to my mind being renewed. The leader of the group, as we were talking about evangelizing and theology,  said something along the lines of “I want to experience God, I don’t want an experience OF Him” Of course, being Johanna( extremely loud) I shouted EXACTLY! very loudly in the maxi. It was as if I literally had a light bulb moment. Over that week I was interacting with the group and going places with them, and they reminded me about what Christianity was about, loving God, loving yourself and loving people. Their passion for God was clearly seen and it was so exciting! Even the way they prayed was so beautiful, they prayed as if they were writing a love letter to God, and they were confident that God was hearing them. It was so amazing.

It seemed as if everything was happening one after the other because that same weekend I had a I.V.C.F Face to Face retreat. The theme of the retreat was Gal 2:20 –  I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.There I learnt one of my most valuable lessons, It was the second session, at 6:00 am :S We were split into teams and it was a physical activity where each person had to do 1 physical activity of your choose from 2 events and one physical activity that was mandatory to get the points for your team. The first event I chose to bowl a football between a narrow space, the next I chose to do a lime and spoon race and the third event which was mandatory was A TRUST FALL! from a particular height, I will not describe the details of it as I have pictures for you guys to see. What I will tell you is that I was sooooo scared, we had to bind our hands and fall and I was not in control of the situation which scared and annoyed me, as it was my turn , I stepped onto the height with my bound hands, and looked below, It was extremely terrifying 😦 so much so, I screamed “ALYUH, Jesus would NEVERRR do this to me!!!” [Little did I know ;)]  The thing was I am not afraid of heights, so it was so weird for me! Eventually I did the trust fall. As I was falling I learnt my lesson! Johanna Lashley likes to be in control of everything, she likes to control everything around her, including in times past her relationship with God. In the first two events I was able to control which activity I wanted to do, but in doing the trust fall I literally had no control, no control of my hands no control of the fall,no control of my body, no control of the outcome. And that was exactly what I needed to learn, I needed to let God be in control of EVERYTHING, in being crucified with Christ, in surrendering all, I had to literally let go and let God! That’s exactly what Jesus was trying to show me before, that’s exactly what Jesus would do to me, because as a Christian I have to walk by faith and not by sight. I, Johanna Lashley, had to Let It Go (Frozen song referrence 😉 lol sorry, I had to!) I have to in all my ways acknowledge Him and know that He will direct my path. I have to trust and have faith in Him even if I see He’s leading me off a cliff. It was an intense moment for me.

Even writing this now, remembering these three encounters I had with God (there was more but this was the foundation), I’m so overwhelmed with joy, unknowingly God had spoken to me, and only after these three encounters did I actually hear His voice. He spoke through His word, His people and An experience.

I could finally say that I Johanna Lashley, am SAVED! not that I wasn’t before, it’s just my reality now!
I could finally say and sing “Nothing in this world can satisfy, Jesus you’re the cup that won’t run dry!” because it has become a reality, it has become MY TRUTH. 

I finally have an appreciation for the Word of God! when the psalmist said of God’s Word, that It is to be more desired than gold, than much fine gold and that It is sweeter than the honey and the honeycomb (Psalm 19) I understand and I can relate! This had become my experience. I actually take pleasure in going into God’s word for answers 🙂

I may not have found all the answers to all my questions, but this is definitely a start, and even if God takes forever in answering my other questions, I can rest assure that He will answer them. And I know I am not perfect and I will fall again, but the cycle of coming back to God and backsliding over and over has been broken FOR SURE and I am working out my salvation with Christ! Religion is no longer a part of my life but it’s all about My Jesus and I and our beautiful relationship 🙂

Thank you for going on this journey with me that is definitely just the beginning 😉 Be blessed! and remember I definitely love you ♥ :*

And I would like to publicly thank these awesome people for being patient with me, and understanding and praying for me, and just being there. These people are truly my friends and I thank God for each one of you guys! :*

Kiden, Tayler, Maria, Joel, Ethan, Kyron, Aunty Cheryl-Ann, Tasha, Jeanee’, Mikell and to everyone else that was praying for me I love you guys ♥

TwinklelilJoh ♥

Col 1:10- that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;11 strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy..

The Intersection

Hey guys, so It’s been like 2 weeks now since I’ve updated. Actually, not only have I been bombarded with so many assignments, but I was also trying to figure out how exactly I was going to write this. I know in my last post I said I would be telling you about my adventures and what happened to me, but I did not want this to turn out to be some kind of JOHANNA TELLS ALL : SINS EDITION.. lol! Instead, I’ll just tell you how things turned out, and what is happening now. Even as I write this, I don’t quite know how I’m going to write this, so I’m depending on my Holy Spirit to guide me.

Psalm 139:7-10 NLT

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.

So, I know I said that I got myself into horrible, weird situations that definitely compromised what I believed in,what I was taught and what the Word of God said. Most of them, I can’t even call them a compromise, that’s too nice of a word, I was sinning, living in sin, legit sin, presumptuous sin (sin that is planned ahead, like you plan to sin), iniquity ( continuous sinning), sin I was delivered from before, I really did not care. I think I actually turned into a worse sinner than I was before I was saved (if that’s even possible!) And I was totally okay with it! I think what made it even worse for me was that I stopped listening to and hearing God’s voice, and that was a BIG deal for me, I no longer felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. And all this was happening at such a fast pace, I did not know how to deal with it.

It was as if my real, true self, the Johanna that found her identity in Christ, was on the outside, looking on at what was happening and could not control what was happening. I was depressed, I was dissatisfied, I was tired, I was ANGRY! I was annoyed, I was hurt and I was hurting myself even more. But I continued with what I was doing, just because I didn’t have the courage to face myself, I did not want to deal with myself, and all the questions I had. And on top of the questions I did not want to face, more questions arose. The funny thing was, I did not even notice I was feeling this way, because I pushed it all down. It was only when my friend asked me to help him with an assignment for school- he needed a poem written, did I realize how I was feeling-

Pressed but not crushed?
Persecuted not abandoned?
Struck down but not destroyed?
Crushed when pressed…
Abandoned and persecuted…
Destroyed when struck down…
Have I been lied to?
Have I been forgotten?
If this is what being pressed is
If this is not being abandoned
If this is what struck down is
Then why even bother to continue to endure?
When giving up seems like the only option
Save me…
Wake me up…
I’m alive
Joy comes in the morning?

This poem did not even make sense to me when I wrote it, I just knew that this was the first thing that came into my head and I wrote. After a while, I decided to put a deadline on myself to start facing my stuff…I did not know how that was going to work out, I did not know if that made sense and I actually told myself I was not going to follow it but I still placed it on myself. I think I placed it on myself because I knew I was fed up of what was happening but I still wanted to push things down, and this sounds like a lame excuse but I was not ready :S

So I continued doing my crap even as my deadline approached, coming down to the date itself, I began to feel even more depressed and dissatisfied, I was angrier and I was taking it out on people who did not deserve it, and I found myself actually wanting to get out of the hole I created for myself. However, I did not actually notice that my feelings of wanting to get out was in direct correlation to my deadline date, because after a while I decided I was totally going to forget about that deadline, because even though I was depressed and angry etc, I was having fun! which was indeed temporary fun, but it was my fun (which of course was sin) and it was used as a crotch to deal with my depression and anger and dissatisfaction even though it lasted a few hours, or for a night.

On the 20th January 2014, my friend messaged me asking me, what I was going to do, because he knew of the deadline date, I was surprised that he remembered it, because I totally forgot about it, except for the morning itself, and I was still figuring it out. But I knew for sure that I was ready, somehow, I knew it was time for me to stop my crap and face everything, so for the first time in months,I prayed, I simply said to God, ” Lord, I don’t know how exactly this is going to happen, but I’m ready and I do know that I’m tired, and I need You,” …Of course nothing magically or miraculously happened immediately LOL! But I was ready to face my questions, my issues and I was ready to face myself with God’s help. I told God and myself that I wanted to take things extremely slow and not rush back into anything. I wanted to be emptied of everything that wasn’t of God and I wanted His healing, His restoration, and His love. I finally decided to get and find the answers to my questions although I had no idea how I was going to get them. I knew God desired truth in the inward parts (Psalm 51: 6) and that was exactly what I wanted as well.

So this was what happened after guys, in my next post, which will not take long to post, I promise.. I will explain what happened from that time to right now, I did not want to write it in this post because it would have been tooo long. In the mean time, this song was exactly what I was doing and how I felt. Be blessed! I love you!

TwinklelilJoh ♥

I keep on running from You

But this time,

I keep on running to You

Where it ALL began :S

I distinctly remember one afternoon I popped up on my friends’ group chat ( Hi Terri and Kiden ♥), asking them – ” Do you guys ever think Christianity is not for you? Like its so hard and no matter what you do or try you just cant get it right?” This was definitely the beginning of the crazy whirlwind that I found myself in. Of course, as amazing christian friends they replied saying- “Yea I think that crosses the mind of almost every christian when they fall” and ” The key is to get back up no matter how times we fall,” and “because the reward is great” and they went on to ask if I was okay. I just simply replied yea 🙂 Not knowing that brought even more questions to my mind.

I definitely do not deny that every Christian thinks that Christianity is not for them but what I was about to go through was far deeper than that simple question, even though I’m very sure many Christians have gone through this ‘phase’ but with different experiences.

I tend to over think and over analyse, wayyy too much about situations, about things I’ve said, about things people have said, about how I dealt with a situation, about why I chose to do something, and so much more. Which I know is bad, although there is some good from doing it. However, this began because of my over thinking, in this case I thank God for this bad and not so bad quality because it gave me the opportunity to question things and get answers.

I began to ask myself and other people some questions-
Do you ever think Christianity is not for you?

How do you find God, because I’ve been trying for a long time to find Him?

Christians are supposed to bare fruits (Matt 7: 16- By their fruits you shall know them..), If I’ve been a Christian for more than 5 years, why haven’t I seen fruits?

Have I bared fruits?

What exactly are the fruits I should be baring?

If I’ve tried everything that I can, – not relying in myself, trying to seek God, getting back up when I fall, focusing on relationship and not works, not doing anything in my own strength, trying to go deeper in Him, etc, why haven’t I anything to show  that I’m a christian?

Was I seeking Him right?

Do I love Him enough? or Am I loving Him right?

You know salvation and having Christ is about transformation? Why hasn’t that happened to me?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had so many experiences and encounters with God, His love, being in His presence etc. And I definitely acknowledge that those experiences have made me who I am and that they were from God. But one thing my father always told me “Johanna, when you are in God’s presence and you really meet Him face to face, when you are worshiping in spirit and in truth, your life will be transformed, because you cannot be unchanged when you have had a encounter with God!” I was wondering, after all the intense worship sessions, encounters with God, if I was worshiping in spirit and in truth, why was I unchanged?

These and a trillion more questions flooded my mind,some were legit, some were hmm, lies of the enemy. It was not about me feeling as if I don’t deserve salvation or that God’s love covers all or that His grace is sufficient. It wasn’t about me comparing myself with other people (because I definitely did not care about anyone at the time), and their ‘advancement’,  It went pass all that. I tried to explain to various persons but I couldn’t quite explain fully. And I did not want encouragement, AT ALL! I decided that I needed to deal with this alone, because, I wanted to find the answers for myself! I did not want anyone pounding theology or religion or their experiences or opinions down my throat. I was over the whole cycle of backsliding and coming back to God, backsliding and coming back to God.

I wanted to, when someone asked me why I loved Jesus and what has He done for me, tell them with a broad smile that HE HAS SAVED ME. I wanted to understand what it meant to be saved, and I wanted to understand why I needed saving, so that I will never want to turn my back ever again on my Saviour, even though I fell a million times!  I wanted to be faithful just as He is faithful to me. I wanted answers for myself and I wanted God for myself! I was tired of routine, reading the bible, praying, singing, ministry, church, speaking “Christianese”, and not infecting and affecting other people’s lives as mine was infected and affected by God’s word and the Holy Spirit.

I told myself, THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE THAN THIS! I didn’t want to rely on anyone’s experience of God. I wanted this for myself! Because that was all I had, other people’s experience, and I was completely fed-up of people telling me why, when, how, where, what I should do. (This is what I meant by being a 2nd generation Christian btw 😉 I was born into a Christian family and was apart of church ALL my life, I been saved ever since I could remember). To top that off, I was totally confused about my life, I didn’t know what my passion was, I didn’t know where my life was heading, I was just lost, and I literally felt I was in a deep dark hole  surrounded by and covered  with  questions just bombarding me and attacking me from every side I could possibly think off. And I felt as if I was losing control of everything around me (which I later found out was for the better ^_^ )

But of course, LOL.. I didn’t immediately want answers, all these questions just made me literally shut down and shut off everything to do with God! I wanted to do my own thing for a while, I was just tired of everyone and everything around me, I didn’t know how to even begin looking for the answers to my questions. So I didn’t want to face anything at all. Because of this I got myself into some pretty disastrous situations :S and experiences.

And I’ll end this post here, in my next post, I’ll begin my “adventures” and narrate stuff that I did and got myself into.
For now Bye 😉

I love you!

TwinklelilJoh ♥

UPDATE -Confused, Lost, Annoyed.. I DON’T CARE

Oh My!!…The last time I updated was so very long ago, and for that I am sorry, not just to my readers but to myself, I’m feeling as if I’ve robbed myself short of saying something I needed to say…..

Anyways, last time I wrote on this blog, I ended things on a great note, from then till now, many things have happened, some good, some bad…mostly bad to my knowledge. I’ve gone on this journey because even though I didn’t even know that this was possible.. I literally lost myself! and because of God’s graciousness! I found myself again. I don’t exactly know how I’m going to go about narrating all the craziness that has happened, but I do know that I absolutely need to write about it. This inspiration is actually from, of course God! I was laying on my bed, thinking back to how all this madness started, and was talking to God at the same time. It was the first time, I think, in a long while, I listened to His voice. while all “my craziness” was happening, I would hear Him talking to me, trying to get a little “I love you, my beloved” in my heart, but of course I didn’t want to hear that! But it was like magic, haha wrong phrasing I know ..but it was so amazing! He spoke so clearly to me and I LISTENED! I will have to say it was one of the best moments in my relationship with God ,I literally “buss down crying” runny nose and all, I told Him that I was afraid that I would never hear His voice again. I’m actually tearing up writing this right now 😥 . Oh how merciful and gracious my God is!

Anyways one of the things He told me was to WRITE! I got so excited when He told me that because I actually missed writing, even though I didn’t notice! Adding to that excitement! I saw a status on Facebook from my awesome friend Ruth about her desire to start blogging because of  other friends (Garrick and Kelly) blogs that has inspired her. So me with my inquisitive self, commented and told them that I had a blog but I haven’t updated in forever! and that is where my story begins…again!

So back to the title of this post! My gosh! I cannot even try to begin to explain all that has happened to me from my last post to now! I was absolutely Confused! Lost! Annoyed! and for sure I Did Not Care!.. I do know that whoever reads this will thoroughly understand not just me and what I’ve been through but what some Christians go through, God’s mercy and grace, what happens in the mind of a back slider, what happens in the mind of a 2nd generation Christian ( I will explain this later), what some of my Christian friends did not understand and why I was behaving the way I was and much more! I assure you, you will be blessed!

Bye for now! 😉 and I’ll leave with this song that has blessed me in this season!

I love you!

TwinklelilJoh ♥

In love with this, I love God and His unstoppable love…the fact that He pursued me first, even before I knew who He was blows my finite mind…sigh♥